I’m having sex with my plumber, builder and all the firemen

Violet Online shares her sex dreams and tries to make sense of them.

Oh my God what is going on with my dreams! They have been amazing but I am so scared that the wrong person (namely my children) are going to walk into my bedroom while I am having one.

I’m dreaming about Ryan Gosling, Liam Neeson and Kanye.  I’m having sex with my plumber, builder and all the firemen who fought those awful blazes in Cape Town.

I’m having sex with them one at a time and I’m having sex with them all together and I’m having sex with them three times a night and every single night and I am exhausted!

What is it about? I love it and I think I’m having more orgasms than I’ve ever had.  Or am I? Maybe I’m just dreaming them, I don’t know, but girlfriends, you all know that feeling, when you wake up and oh sweet Goddesses it just feels so good.

I’m too tired to even think about dating or meeting men.  I don’t need to. I’m getting everything I need in my dreams.  In fact, I just want to stay at home and in my pyjamas all day and all night.

It’s healthy.  My skin is glowing, my muscles feel strong, my hair is shining and I have a permanent smile on my face.  But it’s also dangerous. I’m not doing nearly enough work, I haven’t bought groceries for days and I keep forgetting to fetch the kids from school.

Also, I’m running out of pyjamas and I have to keep washing the sheets.

I Googled sex dreams.  I have learned that it is never a good idea to Google medical stuff, but it is a very good idea to Google sex stuff.  A sex dream is a really positive thing.

It means you’re drawing something emotional and spiritual from the person you’re dreaming about, something that you need in your life. It means you’re learning something, feeding your inner core, creating something magical.  It isn’t about sex itself.

That all sounded a bit ridiculous and airy-fairy for me,  so I decided to talk to my therapist about the issue. As happy as my dreams are making me, I’m a little anxious that they may never stop.

What if I never go out again?

I managed to get in my car and make my way to my therapist. She’s always excellent even though she just nods wisely and never says anything.  But it was really important to have someone listen to me and I spoke and I spoke and I spoke and then I don’t remember what happened because I fell asleep.

Oh dear, I fell asleep.  On her couch.  And I don’t know what I dreamed about.  But it involved her  and it was fabulous and when I woke up she still didn’t say anything, just nodded wisely and told me my hour was up.

I am so embarrassed I’m never going back to see her.  Instead I’m going to pick up the kids form school.  I’m going to get myself to Woolies and I’m going to fill the fridge.

And then I’m rushing back to bed.

Because I can’t wait for my next dream.  I already know Jamie Dornan is involved.